So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
