i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
