Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
