I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
