when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
