By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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