how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
