mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I love you.
Bad choice
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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