Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
