I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
