I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
