I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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