I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
