just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
