I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
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