I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
