i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
