Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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