He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
