I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize