i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
