Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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