it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
