i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
