Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize