just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize