i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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