Hey man sorry I got all grabby
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
