Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
