it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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