I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
