we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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