Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
