Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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