Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i can't believe i had my finger in that
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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