ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
