i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
