How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
