I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i just sent this text using only my big toe
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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