You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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