I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
sarcasm needs its own font
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
