My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
