I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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