Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
