Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Randomize
