best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I touched a dick in church today
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
