Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
