if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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