I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
