I never want to see another naked old woman again.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
