If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
