But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
