There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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