It was confusing and full of hummus
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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