god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
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