just tell him i said nine months
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I wish you could order shots online.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
