Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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