the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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