Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
