don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
