hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
