Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
