At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
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