Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
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