Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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