Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
